“You humans are obsessed with me” – Guest Interview with Goals

“You humans are obsessed with me” – Guest Interview with Goals

Hey Goals! Good to see you. Tell us who you are and what you do.

Hello everyone, my name is Goals. Simply put, I am a thing – a collection of thoughts, to be precise – that humans want to meet. 

People are obsessed with meeting me. I’m basically the David Beckham of thoughts, circa 2002. 

Why do humans want to meet Goals so much?

Oh deary me. It’s a little saddening. You humans think that if you meet me, Goals, you will feel better and be more ‘worthy’.

But, Siobhán, there’s two big problems with this. 

Oh, go on…

Firstly, the humans make up the conditions under which we can meet and then get sad, mad, insecure and unhappy when those conditions can’t be met. 

They are creating their own misery!

I know they don’t do it on purpose, but it’s frustrating to watch. 

A human makes an intention to meet me, they’ll call me their Goal. Then they’ll make up the scenario under which we can meet. A common one is wanting to meet me really really soon. Sooner than is likely or enjoyable. 

Can you give an example?

Yes, I have the perfect example – YOU. You had a Goal to meet me and finish your interview by 20th December which was a completely arbitrary and made-up date that you felt was good enough to make you feel accomplished. 


And what date is it today, Siobhán? 

The 23rd of December

Right. And how did you feel when you didn’t meet me by 20th? 

Look, I am the one asking the questions around here Goals. 

I just want to point out that humans are entirely making it all up and if they could see that, then they’d have a much nicer time with me. I want to meet many more humans! So if you could all make it easier to meet Goals, I would love that. 

You said there were two problems with meeting Goals, what’s the other one?

Well, this is something that the humans haven’t even considered! 

Many humans want to meet me to feel better, to feel more accomplished, to feel happy, proud, worthy etc. But guess what? Meeting Goals is not the thing that will do that!!! 

It is never meeting me that makes a human feel better. It may look like it helps but this is fleeting and illusory and just makes the humans chase a meeting with goals more than ever. 

What’s the best thing about your job?

The best bit is when I get to go home early because the human realises they don’t want to meet me anymore. I am never offended! I love it! 

It means the human has seen that they do not need to meet me to feel good and worthy. They are already those things. 

And what’s the worst thing about your job?

Urgh. First, I even have a job! Like, why do you all need to meet Goals?

I’d quite like to retire and go sailing around the world but instead I’m constantly receiving meeting requests from humans thinking they need to do certain things to feel worthy and good enough. 

Another thing that saddens me to see is when a human does meet me, often after a great deal of time, energy and effort on their part, and they aren’t satisfied.  They realise it was never actually Goals that they wanted to meet all along – they wanted to meet one of my friends, Feelings, like Proud or Accomplished or Happy and they were hoping I’d introduce them. 

But what about when a human actually does want to complete the conditions under which they meet you? Like they want to write a book of poetry or earn enough money for three snowboarding holidays a year or set up a side hustle making ear muffs for alpacas?

Great! Go for it! I’d love to meet those humans. But please, please, please, please don’t create a bunch of imaginary and strict timeframes and scenarios and outcomes under which we can meet. Let’s just meet!! 

What do you mean by that, though? How can they make it easier to meet you?

Easy! Simply reimagine what the meeting conditions would be. Humans have this incredible creative power for infinite thought. INFINITE! They can think whatever they like, which is an amazing gift that they vastly underuse. 

Let’s take the book of poetry you mentioned as an example. The human feels drawn to writing a book of poetry. Lovely. Instead of making their Goal ‘writing and publishing a book of poetry that’s well-received in the poetry world’ or whatever, they could use that power of infinite creative thought to decide more helpful and enjoyable conditions under which they will meet me, Goals. 

This can be anything! Examples are when they have written 2 poems in their notes app, or when they have spent 15 minutes every other day musing on topics and playing with words, or they carve out an hour to themselves once a week to just wander around and get inspiration. 

What would you say to people that would scoff at that? The people that think making Goals easier to meet is pointless?

I would love them to get curious about why they think a Goal has to be hard and what ‘pointless’ means in the context of an easy Goal? What is the ‘point’, then? Does there need to be a point?

They may be in the camp of thinking that meeting Goals is what’s needed to feel better and that just isn’t the case. 

There’s so much pervasive collective ideology in our society about goals and what they mean. We are taught to set them and strive for them and if someone isn’t doing that they are seen as lazy or unproductive which is just ABSOLUTE FUCKING SHIT.

Sorry to swear but it makes me so mad. 

I’d love the humans to take a fresh look at what it means to meet me. 

We’re coming up to the New Year, a time of traditional fervent plans to meet you, Goals. What would you say to humans about this? How can us humans have a nicer time with all this stuff?

First and foremost I would love for the humans to truly understand that they don’t need to meet me AT ALL. 

Even if a human can’t see that for themselves – and that’s ok, the layers of thought around Goals and ‘doing stuff’ runs deep – I’d love them to ask themselves this question:

“If I am going to feel good and bad, up and down, happy and sad, proud and insecure whether I meet this Goal or not…..would I still want to do it?”

Another question I like the humans to consider is “If absolutely no one in the world knew when I met this Goal, would I still want to do it?”

This can just open up your minds a little and get a bit of space from the inbuilt expectations of society that humans can’t help but pick up. 

Thanks for that. Any last things you want to tell the humans about Goals?

Yes. I get why you like me and why you want to meet me. But, please, I implore you to have a lot more fun with me. You are all hurtling towards death at an astonishing rate so please enjoy yourselves while you can. Use that incredible gift of infinitely creative thought to design a way to meet me in a way that feels great to you. 

Final question. So many of us want to meet you, Goals. But who would YOU like to meet?

The person that invented pillows. They are awesome, aren’t they? I love pillows and I think we all take them for granted. 

I agree. Thanks for your time and maybe I’ll see you soon…or not! 

P.S. What did you think of Goals? Do they have an unrealistic view of what Goals could be? Or are they on to something? Let me know what YOU think here.