"The 5 Most Useful Things I've Learned About Anxiety...and Life" By Anxious Alice

Anxious Alice represents the common struggles and questions shared by the people I work with. She has been my invisible sidekick on the Inner Peace and Other Cool Shit podcast since the beginning.

To mark the transition of the podcast, Alice shares a few of the lessons learnt over the years by her and those she represents.

Lesson 1: Yeah, Anxious Thoughts Are Indeed Like Passing Clouds in the Sky (But Stop Saying That to Me When I'm Swirling)

"There are plenty of well-intentioned metaphors and illustrations about anxiety and it's temporary, impersonal nature. When someone has been struggling with anxiety for many years like I have, really seeing anxiety as a wave in the ocean, sand in the wind, a shadow in the sun, or (the Daddy metaphor of them all) passing clouds in a sky, is enormously helpful.

But knowing that the heavy, overwhelming, engulfing, frantic, urgent feeling of anxiety always, always, always passes can be a trust that needs to be continually earned through each experience.

So, even though I have a 100% success rate of settling back to calm times after a thought storm or panic attack (100% is quite the hit rate, huh?) there can still be that worm of doubt which tunnels into my frenzied mind while it's happening.

That's ok. But if you meet me in those moments, please don't tell me that what I'm experiencing is like 'a passing cloud in the sky'. Sure, I'll see that again (and again and again and again) later, but in this particular moment the worm of doubt is burrowing. So please be quiet. Thanks"

Lesson 2: I Know My Inner Peace and Calm Is Always There But It Doesn't Mean I Can Feel It

"I have heard many tales of people describing their discovery that a core sense of calm is 'always accessible' within them, and within us all. But I disagree.
I know, deeply, that my natural state is one of peace and I know this is unchanging. I know it's always there even if it’s buried under layers of stressed, anxious or panicked thoughts.

But it doesn't mean I can always 'access' it and this is a bajillion percent ok.

Others talk about "tapping into an inner reservoir of calm that can always be found amidst chaos". Er, nope.
And that's fine, for me. I don't need to feel it, I don't need to touch calm or peace to know it's there. To me, knowing I have an inner unchanging peace and calm is like knowing I have a wise relative I can call for guidance. But even though I may want to call them in that moment, my phone has no battery. I'll have to call them later.
Or something like that."

Lesson 3: Letting Go Of Control Is Terrifying...and Then Liberating...and Then Terrifying Again...and Then Liberating Again

Trying to control every outcome just piles speedy thought into my mind. "What about this, what about that, well if I just do this it might mean that we can do that, but then I would have to do the other thing, but ok because then we could..."
The alternative, though — letting go and accepting things as they are rather than how I think they should or could be— was terrifying.
But I learnt (the hard way - via dogged repetition and gritted persistence rather than a spark of insight) that the terror and squirminess and icky sense of 'not being in control' eventually softens into something....freeing, loose and light.

And then the terror comes back and the urge to grip life tightly returns.

And then it fades again into the lightness.

And then the terror comes back, although a teeny bit less intense each time.

Terror, joyous freedom, teeny bit less terror, joyous freedom, teeny bit less terror...

Repeat forever.

Lesson 3a: I was never in control anyway

"Thinking I was in control was an illusion. Realising this helped the terror lessen even more in the 'terror-joyous freedom' loop described above. Yay."

Lesson 4: I'm going to cry in the supermarket sometimes, no matter how 'far I've come'

"I noticed a sense of superiority sneak in after I gracefully (er, but not modestly?) navigated a divorce, unwell parents and challenges in my career, all at the same time.

Yippee, look at me, I thought, I am a super chill master of life. I thought I'd 'cracked it', whatever 'it' was.

Then the supermarket stopped stocking my favourite bread. The assistant told me it was because of Brexit (in the UK) and I dissolved into hot, frustrated tears in the aisle, suddenly overwhelmed with thoughts about the complexities and challenges of international trade and the geopolitical landscape and how powerless I felt. Because of bread.

We are human beings, designed to feel the full spectrum of emotions. Feelings and thoughts are not things to be subjugated, controlled, harnessed or 'cracked'. They are experiences to be in dynamic relationship with.

Lesson 5: I Don’t Have to 'Embrace the Present Moment' or Even Know What That Really Means to Feel Better...and Neither Do You

"I'm not sure I know what being present, staying present, or - especially - 'embracing' the present moment means and I certainly don't know how to 'get' or 'stay' there.

But according to the entire internet, 'presence' is the panacea to peace and calm.

We're told to be fully engaged and aware of the current moment, embracing what is happening without being distracted by rumination on the past or anxieties about the future. Or something.

Meh. I find that our mind will dart in and out of presence, or worry, or rumination. It settles on it's own. Then it will rev up and go wandering on again - on it's own.
So what? Sometimes the present moment sucks and reflecting on the past is quite nice. And worrying about the future is a normal part of being a human, particularly with the great challenges that our planet faces.

Trying to get to presence, stay present, or embrace presence can, in that weird paradox of the human experience, keep us from presence.

I can let my mind and self flow as it wishes, like a blossom on a breeze, being present or not. Although, it kinda seems like it's always the present moment anyway."

Thanks, Alice. It's been a joy working with you.

p.s. 'Blossom on a breeze?' Wow.